Quit It, Stop It, and Knock It Off?

I have to take a break here and tell you about the kids

Quit it, Stop It, and Knock It Off! 

My name is Mean It.

It never fails. The day goes by and I have repeated these phrases at one or all of my children. If one of them is behaving the others are into or up to something. I have to shout, QUIT IT! Stop IT, and KnoCk it OFF!!! at one point or another. Sometimes I ask them which one they are. They like these discussions. It reminds me of the cartoon Family Circus with the little ghost *I Don't Know* that floats around causing trouble.

We have means of addressing our kids that aren't very healthy for their confidence or building their self-esteem. I have heard parents direct hateful messages toward these impressionable minds. Meet these children as adults and they are probably suffering some kind of personality disorder from these marks on their spirit. Therapists make millions trying to reverse the damage.

I recognize where damage has been ingrained in my reactions. I do not blame my parent for the way they raised me but there are residual effects from my early years. I am still striving to do the best I can and when I do I am waiting to be in trouble for it. That my efforts weren't the correct ones or something along that line. I have realized this was from the way communication was addressed in our family home. Everything was a fight or a reason to share angry words. The tension of walking around with the potential of causing problems was thick.

Sunflowers ~ Image: MorgueFile

Quit it, stop it, and knock it off were also my siblings when I was younger.

Along with myself, there were 5 other kids in our home and it was a big weight on our parents. They had to both work to support the family. 6 kids are a big lot to feed. They are even tougher to discipline. My brothers came along one by one 9 to 10 months apart when I was about 8. They ran the house like little wild monkeys! My sister was only a year and a half younger than I so we used to be best friends for about 2 hours then be bickering brats the next. I am sure this added to the aggravations my parents felt.

I will out of respect for Mom and Dad not include some of the darker moments in our home life. There were no moments of inappropriate contact but there were physical confrontations at times.

We were a crowded home. Sharing rooms created arguments. Little children are curious and tend to wander where they are not supposed to be and cause issues. My brothers were definitely into everything!

A regular fight would brake out when one of the boys would find my sunflower seed shell bag and either dump it out or try to eat the shells. Mom would be furious! The irony of this is she has a backyard full of sunflower plants now that grew out of nowhere!

Some of the times we had were great. One of our favorite things to do was go outside and dig in the yard. Mom is still finding things and toys we buried out there. She uncovered a Barbie not too long ago.

I look back on those days and wonder what would have happened if I had stayed in the home instead of running into the dark...

Karaoke And Laundry Mats...

Karaoke is a great time out and I love to sing! 

Karaoke Night - Image: M Burgess

I am sitting in a lounge and the karaoke host and tech have arrived. They are setting up their musical equipment. 

The atmosphere is a friendly hometown bar and it is cool in here. I am so grateful for A/C these days! The summer heat outside is blazing and we had to do our laundry this afternoon. This secluded bar is right next to the wash and dry shop near our neighborhood. This makes doing this chore a lot easier!

My 28 year old daughter is with me. She's my runnin' buddy. The drink in front of me is a *Pink OJ*. It is a mixture of fruit juices and lemon-lime soda. I have been sober and clean for 7 and half years almost 8 years come October. I intend to keep it that way. Alcohol makes me crazier than I already am so I will just stick to fruit sugars and chocolate if I need a little bit of a feel good substance. Karaoke is one of the few reasons I will step into a bar.

Singing is a great way to keep me in my musical interest and helps me break away from routines. I have sung all my life. Choir in high school and in church has trained me to at least carry a tune. I play guitar but my instrument is sitting lately, collecting dust in the corner. It's a poor lonely thing these days.

I will open as I always do with the song *You're In My Heart* by that wonderful playboy crooner, Rod Stewart. This song has been my choice for warming up for many, many years now. I am not sure if I will stay much longer than a couple of songs. Crowds in bars get drunker and louder as the evening gets on and the alcohol level gets deeper. I am sitting off in the corner with my tiny lap top and editing some material.

I am seriously needin' a get away but the funds aren't there. Work has been tough with the job change in April and the fact that it's summer. Money is not readily earned at this time of year. Chauffeur work in Vegas is sketchy out of the convention season so we do our best to get by. The new procedures are making me just nutty some days and the heat doesn't help either. The days are over the 100 degree mark now. It's July and the sun just blazes off the black paint on our cars and you can see the heat vapors on the pavement in shimmering waves.

The past few weeks I have a new obsession. Writing has grabbed a hold of me and I don't think it is going to end any time soon. Developing a website and crafting readable, meaningful articles on the topic of preparedness is most of the focus in my publishing. This makes socializing difficult. Aside from the net and an occasional phone call I am a bit of a loner. Without my daughter in my home I probably wouldn't talk very often.

That is the purpose of this post. I needed someone to talk to and..oh, hey before I do that, I have to go sing. Looks like I am in the Que to sing next.


Be right back!

Blossom and Bear Fruit!

Eggplant Blossom ~ Image: M Burgess

We take the events in our lives and use them as the mulch in our spiritual gardens or we sit in the cesspool of drama and never grow.

Negative impacts can be the justification to acting out in self-destructive ways or they can be the spring board to evolving into the person we want to be. 


Who are we really?

Are we the life stains that we carry with us or are we the accumulation of the experiences we have lived through, the things we have learned, and the blessings we have received for having endured? 

Time honored writers and masters of human psyche tell us we need to look past what happened to us and set our feet down on the path we earned, we deserve. Some of us are so put down within our character that the idea that we can achieve and have good things is out of reach. We are worthy of a good life. No matter what our feeling to the contrary are. That life may not include riches or material success but it can be an internal harmony. Day to day won't be always peaches and cream but we have a choice to make each day, each hour the best it can be and just enjoy being. 

Life is a wonderful adventure. When we look past what's behind us and let go of the weights that hold us back we can live free inside. We have a chance to make our own future.

Personally, I forget this. There are times when I am a complainer, a grouch, and a negative source of energy. For these things I need to give myself the wake up call. I have a great life now. I have the blessings of a great family, wonderful friends, a good job, my health is stable, and I am in a good home. These are the blessings in my life today. They weren't always mine to enjoy. Working for them hasn't been easy. There have been struggles of physical levels, financial, and spiritual. At times I have been angry with my God for leaving me in the darkened trenches fully drained and spiritual energy spent. All that remained was a spark of hope that things would get better. And they have. In such ways I never imagined. Today I am able to enjoy serenity in many ways.

I am an independent woman. I have survived emotional and physical abuse. I have faced rape and the humiliation of trial. I have been homeless and understand how frightening that can be. I have dealt with panic attacks and the stress that accompanies them. As of this day I have been free of substance abuse for over 7 and a half years. Today, this moment, I am a different person than the mess that walked into the rooms of recovery on October 17, 2004 and started a new life full of new ideals. A life worth having and a life worth sharing. I can relate to those that are facing loved ones that are hopelessly cast into the murky existence of alcohol and drug abuse and how heart breaking it is to not be able to do anything to help. They must do it alone or they must die. That is the hardest part about this process. I got it. The chance to change my station in life and reach for what ever it is I wanted to work for. Everyone has the power to do this if they would only take that chance.

I write this not only so I can sort out what I did to get where I am today but I want to let anyone who finds this know that there are ways to change your life to be better and healthier than it is today. The work is rough. It's a spiritual ditch you must dig. You will sweat, bleed ( maybe not physically but you will spiritually and mentally!), goals and choices you MUST make. The pay off is amazing! The results you are worth achieving!

I am looking back at a relationship that was with me from the day I walked into recovery. I thought I would never get out of it We broke up and we would get back together. For YEARS!!! this was the way my life was. This person drained me of self worth, attacked my personal choices, thought they had a right to dictate my home and my values through their opinions. (They did not live with me or support me in anyway). 

When I didn't choose to be the person they wanted me to be they would find something else to tell me what was wrong with me. This relationship thankfully ended last year and I have no need to re-enter that partnership. To do so would be the same effect of asking a dentist to reinsert and reverse a root canal on an abscessed tooth. Why would I do that? I have worked very hard to get out of that and let it die. I am healed. 

My goal when I finally was able to let go of this situation was to get more skinny, put more money in my bank account, and to get more blonde. 

Mission accomplished. 

Life has a funny way of working things out. Today I can get a phone call from that person and not cave into temptations to relive the pain that saturates it. I no longer want to exist for another person's internal need to have someone to dissect. I do NOT want to live in that past.

Like the eggplant flower leaning on the tomato cage in the picture, we need to find a support of some kind whether it's a 12 step program or a few good friends, a program designed for help in a specific area in our life, no matter, something to help until we are strong enough to stand on our own. Intake some good sunshine, (positive energy), good elements, and a good foundation. Rooted well and tended to wisely our spirit and our self worth can grow and blossom and eventually bear the fruit of a decent life. 

Surviving

Turning from victim to survivor whether we are the ones victimizing ourselves through our choices or we are subject to life's unwelcome harshness isn't an easy process but it can be done. Being a survivor is a personal victory that no one else can do for you.

I know too many people who let the perpetual martyr rule their energies and attitudes. Taking the path out and becoming the person you want to be takes a lot of work. It takes a sense of focus on what you really want out of life and a lot of digging to get your mind wrapped around what it is going to take to put you there.

Set a goal. Make a list. I have my list and systematically over the past couple of years I have crossed  a lot things off of it. It's a bucket list of sorts, but it is, also, a to do list. I have been able to get some organizing done so I can get to other projects.

We spend so much time projecting what will be and what happened to us that we fail to see what's really in front of us at the moment. Taking that old persona and walking away from it will need the courage of creating new habits.

I have walked away from bad relationships, endured some abusive situations, and survived some harsh events in my life. Of those times, I have heard similar tales from others and they still cling to it like an insecurity blanket. They give themselves an excuse to live a crappy life.

We have a choice. Be happy with what we have or suffer. I personally choose to be happy. This option doesn't happen on it's own, however, it takes work. I wake each day and my attitude is terrible some days. Those days are the ones that hide the deepest blessings.They are the ones that make me feel the most alive At some point during my day I will remember.  They uncover memories of where I was at one time and how grateful and blessed I am to be where I am today.

Drop the history and walk away from things that are harmful to your spirit and your mind. You deserve a great life and you can build one for yourself. If you only try!

Growing Up

My life at a glance 02/19/2012

Swing shift in Las Vegas makes it difficult to tackle what most people deem a normal life. I have to shop for groceries after midnight sometimes and the things I must tend to on the 9 to 5 hours are jammed into the 2-3 days off I am allotted every week. I live an interesting schedule. Try to add a relationship to that and it gets challenging. I have a special someone in my life at this time I only see once a week as he is on a similar schedule only he works more hours than I do. 

Growing Up:

My purpose for this blog is to streamline the emotions I feel about my current situation and to examine my life goals and perhaps set some new goals for balancing out the worn and frustrated energies that cause disharmony. I live a great life. I have wonderful people in my social circle and I want to be a comfortable benefit to them instead of an emotional burden. Bringing peace to my inner self and sharing kindness to those I am involved with are my objective.

First of all, I have positive influences to gleen advice from. I am interested in a healthy living environment from the way I treat my mind and body to the way I live at home and associate myself with like minded souls. I have at my disposal many sources of how to live a happy, joyous, and free life. I have, also, the strength I have developed over the challenging years of my life and courage to face down many of the hardships I lived through in these times. I have survived many heavy emotional obstacles and risen through them with grace. I know that through a positive outlook things that seem unbearable, unjust, or wrong are hiding a wonderful blessing. I must simply trust that I can get through it. 

Prayer and meditation are important tools in living free of the emotional weights that hold us down from enjoying our lives fully. I have practiced these techniques and have enjoyed vast benefits from doing so. I want to implement this back into my daily activity. Spiritually minded I can heal the hurts I have endured and set aside the negative emotions that hold me back from enjoying a life that I truly have earned through the hard work I have set forth. I have a strong belief in a loving and merciful God. This faith has helped me where no other source dared go.

I watched "The Secret" the other night. This along with some of the other positive spiritual books, movies, programs are what I am using to guide myself. The purpose of all of this is to reflect what I have learned and let it rule my life. Life led on emotional turmoil is not a life but a series of storms fit to destroy good things.

These are some of my mantras recently:

I will be happy. I will love. I will learn. I will enjoy. I will earn. I have a good life. I have a good love. I have a good family. I have a wonderful life. 

So, I shall take a new journey. Where this ends up I do not know, but it seems like it's off to a good start. 

In the following blogs I will examine some of the things that have weighted me down over the years. Some of these have been addictions. Addictions to emotions, substances, things, people, and excuses are just as destructive as any drug or alcohol problem. Freeing my mind and spirit of compulsive behavior is my assignment. Successfully shedding them is the goal.