Tribute to My Dog Wilbur

Letting a Beloved Pet Go

I am facing a really tough decision soon. My dog is aging quickly and it is almost time to let him go. I am really having a hard time with this choice. He has lived a full life and is still getting around, but he is now well over 14 years old. I am unsure of his real age. Cataracts on both eyes have severely clouded his vision and he is essentially blind. I talk to him, but he can barely hear me. I see him struggle to focus on where I am. He cannot see me. He cries for me when I am not in the room. I can only imagine what he goes through when I am at work.

He still finds his food dish, eats, drinks, and wanders through the house, but his mobility is slowing. The poor thing only has three legs to work with in the first place and it is evident to me that he needs to go to his rest. He has been a wonderful companion and a true friend to me. He was a great comfort when my life turned sideways and he entered the picture.

I enjoyed his sweet spirit and the love that I felt for him. I looked forward to him greeting me as I walked through the door. This moment has passed now. He waits for me to let him know I am home. When I find him where he happens to be resting in the house, I gently pet him to let him know I am finally with him.  I try to spend a bit of time holding him so that he knows I am with him. He gets uncomfortable quickly so I only sit with him a few minutes at a time. He'll cry a little when he wants my attention again, but it tells me that we are soon to part ways.

Part of the road trips we took this past Fall were to build memories for this dog and me. We camped, fished, and enjoyed our time around the southwest. We ate campfire food and enjoyed nights by the fireside. Wilbur was able to explore all kinds of smells around the places we visited. The bond we have will last beyond this mortal frame. I pray my  female shepherd, Ike, meets him at the top of the rainbow bridge.

The above entries were from yesterday morning. While writing them it occurred to me that it was time to send my friend to his eternal rest. I called the vet's office and scheduled an appointment. As expected, this issue bothered me all night long.

Wilbur enjoying a moment on the grass and a morning sunrise

My Final Minutes with Wilbur

Wilbur was sent into the heavens at about 8:00 am on August 12, 2016. I took the time to spend our last hours in a nice park setting and was hoping he would get up and wander the grass, but it was not meant to be. He could no longer control the movements of his back legs. He chose instead to enjoy laying on the the cool, damp grass.

He enjoyed a Capriotti's Roast Beef sub and a bottle of Dasani water for his last meal. I spoiled this dog rotten because the life he had before me roughed him up terribly. That was his lot in life, I suppose. I am so grateful for the dent he made in my life and in my heart. I really wanted to make his last moments special and they were. My heart ached over this decision. We stayed at the park for about an hour then went to the vet's office.

The staff let me spend our last time in privacy. They were very sympathetic and asked if I needed anything. The doctor came and asked if I had ever done this before and explained what the procedure was like. There would be two shots, one to put him in a sleep state and a second to stop his heart. It would be quick and it would be relatively painless. This reassured me that my Wilbur would not suffer in his final minutes. He had suffered enough in life.

They took him in their back room for just a couple of minutes to insert a catheter tube in his leg for the injections then delivered him back to me wrapped in a blanket. The procedure was quick and I requested to be present for the event. I held and cuddled him while telling him what a blessing he was, crying with every breath and word. When I felt the time was right I called in the doctor and I held him on my left shoulder as he first was put into a twilight sleep and then when the vet stopped his heart. I held him close and whispered I love yous as he was released from his mortal coil.

The peaceful transition allowed me a bit of comfort and I felt I owed it to him to be present for his final minutes. He drifted off softly to sleep and then away in peace. It was a beautiful moment for a beautiful creature.

~*~

~*~  Memorial Gallery  ~*~

~*~

The gallery and storyline is a tribute to this wonderful canine 

affectionately known as Wilbur, the Tripod Dog.

Wilbur Dog - Birthdate unknown - August 12, 2016

What? I'm on the blanket, ok?

A Bit of Our History

Wilbur came to live with me in December of 2013. He is a small dog, but large for a chihuahua. I assume he is Pomeranian and Chi mixed because of his coloring and markings. His temperament is very mellow and he is a quiet dog unless I have been gone for a bit. When I walk in the door, he prances and whines at me that I have been gone foreverrrrrrrrrrrr!! The minute I met this canine I knew we were bonded spiritually somehow.

He is a very good dog. When he came to live with me he was allowed to do anything he wanted as long as he didn't get hurt. His first act of independence was sleeping on the couch. Blankets were tucked into the seating area to take the fall out from his furry body. I accepted that this was where he was comfortable and enjoyed having him on the cushions next to me while I watched my movies.

He was happy there, but had a difficult time getting back down from this height. The added challenge of his missing limb caused some concern. After a time he quit trying to hop up. He wasn't strong enough to pull himself up anymore. A couple of bounces back to the floor convinced him this was no longer an option for him.

He would play occasionally. He'd get all Mr. Fierce Dog if offered a pull toy or a rag to tug. He would play bite at you if you patted his cheeks just right. He was a fun little guy when he wanted to be. Wilbur would prance along on his three feet and keep up with most of the things we needed to take care of. I called him a brave little soul. The courage this fellow took to stay living a normal life in spite of his condition amazed me. Not much stopped him and he went on through the day as though it was not an issue. 

The bear in the video was not harmed...

September Road Trips 

Camping Eagle Valley

Late September I decided that I wanted to go camping. I really didn't have anyone to go with, but Wilbur proved to be a great travel partner.  He would take his seat as co-pilot and ride along with his doggie smiles. He didn't complain about the music or ask are we there yet? He sat in his seat and listened to my ramblings. It was a freedom I had not felt before and an opportunity to spend quality time with my dog.

Our first trip to Mount Charleston inspired 6 successive weekends visiting somewhere different where we could spend time outdoors and enjoy each other's company. These outings are recorded in the blog Prep 1 2 3 as a series titled Camping with a Dog and a Dutch Oven.

Camping on Mt. Charleston with a Dog and a Dutch Oven 
https://preparedness123.blogspot.com/2015/09/camping-on-mt-charleston-with-dog-and.html

Camping with a Dog and a Dutch Oven - part two
https://preparedness123.blogspot.com/2015/09/camping-with-dog-and-dutch-oven-part-two.html

Echo Canyon - Camping with a Dog and A Dutch Oven - Part Three
https://preparedness123.blogspot.com/2015/10/echo-canyon-camping-with-dog-and-dutch.html

Fishing Dog

Visiting Friends in Nevada

One of my dearest friends lives in a little town near the Eagle Valley area. She has several small dogs and Wilbur fits right in with her crew. When we go camping in the area we make sure to stop in for a visit. Wilbur gets a chance to stretch his legs and I get to visit with my friend. 

Our November Trip to Utah

Late October we road tripped to the area around Manti, Utah to visit my sister. We reserved a nice bed and breakfast in the area. We traveled at night so we did not see much of the lovely country side along the highway. If we had we would have stopped everywhere! I took note of the placed I wanted to visit should I travel back to the area again. Utah is a beautiful place with a lot of great parks and historical towns.

The area was very country where we stayed. In the morning there were turkeys and deer to the side of the Bed and Breakfast. The views were stunning and we enjoyed walks around the property.

The weather was a little chilly so Wilbur was dressed in a little sweater vest to keep his chest warm. He looked rather dapper in his black and red checked sweater. I bought this one because I had a shirt that matched it and I really swore that I would never be one of THOSE dog people. Wilbur's little self changed all of that preconceived canine owner thinking. This sweater later disappeared when I thought it would be fun to put it on the cat. Argyle returned from his trip outside sans sweater.

Our hostess was really great at the property. Not only was the room comfortable and the area's views lovely, the breakfast was wonderful.

Bed and Breakfast - Breakfast Time

Wilbur at Christmas 2015

Christmas Time with Wilbur

Christmas was really special this year. I decided to go all out and got a tree and the works. The animals and I celebrated the holiday with treats and gifts and goodies. I bought a few items for the critters and Wilbur got a blanket, a bow tie, and leash. I love his smiley face in this picture.

The leash turned out to be a lifesaver for the dog, but I was unsure about the color when I bought it. It turned out to be very handy for camping trips. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I couldn't see Wilbur in the dark and thought he had wandered off. The bright orange stood out when I really looked around the tent. He was laying in the corner on a pile of blankets right where he needed to be and I was relieved that he had not gotten lost.

Wilbur's Christmas Outfit

I will be keeping his ashes with me until I decide what to do with them. I may just put them in a fancy urn and continue to bring him on adventures.

Related links
The Mercy of Euthanizing a Beloved Pet
https://crittermom-chronicles.blogspot.com/2016/08/the-mercy-of-euthanizing-beloved-pet.html

Pride the Progress Killer

Proud as a peacock is not necessarily a bad thing.
Majestic Peacock designs on Zazzle

I've been pondering spiritual things lately. I look back on the road I have traveled and think about the life I have led so far. I have learned to take an active role in where I am headed. For a person who used to just drift through life, I have accomplished much in a short time. I say this as a mark of experience, not a boastful thing. 

Pride is a serious obstacle when it comes to moving forward. It is the wall that many of us collide with on our journey. It gets us in trouble more often than not and it is a tool that the universe uses to bring us down to size. The flip side of pride is humility. It is difficult to walk in strides that are humble in this day and age. The world tells us to be prideful and puffed up. 

We take selfies and post them on all our social networks. We seek out the vain things of the world. These items are usually trending fads and tend to drift off into the distance soon after they are in possession. Where is the next fad or hoopla? Caught up in the spirit of the moment we often sell out our progress to higher planes of consciousness. These are stumbling blocks, not stepping stones. The latest label will never give you longevity only momentary pleasure.  

My journey around life has taught me a few serious lessons. I am never better than my fellows. I am a resident of Mother Earth like the rest of us and I understand it is my choice to be a blessing while I am here. I am to learn all I can about the human condition as I drift through my short days here. The things I have been given in the way of gifts are to be nurtured and shared, but not in a prideful way. Uplift another human being with what we have been given. This is how we sow goodness on the earth. 

There are ways to move through responsibilities that are uplifting and in the process they create a sense of accomplishment. Complaining that we have to do something just causes a thing to feel heavier. The joy of checking one more thing off the to-do list should trigger a desire to do better. Inner satisfaction is gained when we keep our minds on the duties we need to perform and a feeling of well-being comes about through this outlook. I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to put off doing a garden chore or tending to my animals. I step into the area that needs attention and I realize what a blessing it is to be able to work with these things. The garden gives forth goodness and the animals return good feelings and comfort when they are well cared for. These are the privileges I have been given. No matter how hard a task is, go about it in a positive way. This makes the work so much easier. The job usually goes faster, too. While in the midst of a to-do list item, I have often been given an inspirational thought or an answer to a question that has bothered me. Hard work is good for the body and the soul. 

Recommended Reading

Kahlil Gibran

Excerpt:

On Work

You work that you may keep pace with the earth and the soul of the earth.
For to be idle is to become a stranger unto the seasons,
and to step out of life's procession, that marches in majesty and proud submission towards the infinite. Kindle Version on Amazon

Running To Nowhere

I ran to the dark. That window slid open and I left. I had nowhere

to go, not sure where I was going but I knew that it was time to exit. Home was becoming a treacherous place for me and I just had had enough.

Rustic Barn

I met up with a gal I met in one of my counselling groups and the next thing I knew I was in Phoenix. It seemed like fun at the time but I think back to the times I was so alone and vulnerable and I freak out knowing I could have landed myself in serious danger. I was a young teen then, 16 years old and naive. I had never been exposed to the world and I was about to find out how harsh reality really was. 

Up until this point in my life, I was in junior high choirs, attending my church activities, tried to run for student counsel, was on the volleyball team at middle school and at my church. I played softball on the church leagues. I was an active teenager who didn't know what else to do. My grades were slipping because there was trouble at home. I had 5 siblings to care for and pay attention to when I got home and I didn't have anyone to turn to. What were my answers?

Let me back track a few years here. A project for integration was introduced in the school system the summer I turned 14. I was to participate in a study where 6 white students were among a class of black students that numbered over 250. We were paid minimum wage to attend. These classes began at 7 am Monday through Friday for 4 weeks. It was uncomfortable. The tests we were given showed us to have basic knowledge of math and English so we were given a pass on those classes and given student aid status. I remember a class in the cosmetology rooms but not a whole lot else about that summer.

The one thing that stands out in my mind from that was my mother yelling at me for coming home to nap after classes. I was awake at 5 am to travel across the city. I arrived back home about 2 pm, exhausted. I was accused of doing drugs. I sought them out after weeks of this and started a chain of events that led to my being a runaway and a troubled woman later on in my life.

I won't go into deep details about my run at 16. Let's leave it to say I was roaming and ended up in California. I just drifted. I was not a hitch hiker so that helped keep me safe. I followed the highs and the booze. I was on a beach one day -- months after I had left home and an odd thing happened. I was seen by the boy I had been dating in Las Vegas. He called my mother and about 3 days later, I figured out it was time to call home.

This is one of the many examples of how I see God working in my life. How did I get on that beach where he could see me? What prompted me to call home that same week? After all this time - I can only say it was God pulling the strings. All along my faith kept me going in an odd direction and away from serious trouble. It was my faith that kept me standing in the darkest days in my life. It still carries me through...

Blowing The Dust Off An Online Journal

Hi, there. I'm returning to this, my personal column of Simple Terms. Simple terms aren't exactly simple as in only a few directions. Simple terms is simply put - a way of dealing with things that won't complicate life any further than necessary. This result comes about through a lifetime of standard human reactions and behaviors mainly mine and a few dozen others I have had to deal with in close quarters and in long lengths of time. 

I believe if you have seen a person do something more than a dozen times and it isn't necessarily the same person, the observation becomes a signal later down the road. Cause and reaction. If an egg drops on a floor it will break and splatter. (That is an easy one.) Human consequences is a complex thing. I know from experience that personal safety is a number one priority around sharp things, fire, and electricity. Some people may not always have this awareness. The circles I run in say that doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results is insanity. I wholeheartedly agree. I am slowly and one by one breaking that cycle in my life and it has left me a bit isolated, but I have a lot more spare time to do other things because of this new change.

Gone Fishing

This must be the things a psychic sees in their forecast or feelings, this human behavior. There are a few of you now that want me to explain further and I shall not. It is the tripwire that always leads me to telling you to piss off and I have something else to discuss in the meantime... make that several things.

Gone Fishing

Yesterday was Father's Day and I failed to call my father for one reason or another. I feel terrible, but I had to work later on and I found myself trying to catch up and be on time. I did see him the night before and told him I looked at all those cards in the card section but found them silly and irrelevant to our relationship. I'm a rotten kid for not stepping up to celebrate with him, but duty calls. 

I find this picture image more fitting. My dad is the reason I love fishing and the reason I picked it back up this Fall. He will be the spirit in this chair in the not too distant future. I feel that he will always be next to me wherever I go. He is aging. He is not well. My fishing trips are my way of connecting to that father I knew so long ago that had a vibrant personality and strong body. He knew things. He could tell stories and he could fix things. My Father's Day tribute several years ago included one of his automobile projects. Read  The Mechanic and the Red Head on Hubpages. on Hubpages. Time and life defeated this noble man. He now toddles along like a large, half-silly bear and it is just killing my heart to see him. I love him dearly and will always. Being around him makes me very sad as of late.

My expeditions have been to celebrate personal milestones. I camped out at Eagle Valley to enjoy my 11th sober anniversary. It was just myself and the dog. My faithful companion, Wilbur, pleads with me each and every time I approach the door. Are we going yet? His eyes ask me as I step out the door and lock it behind me, off on my way to work. He scolds me when I get home because he missed me while I was away. He is the fluffy thing beside the chair in the picture. He, too, will be performing an exit soon. I am coming to terms with these things. The simple terms are this: life happens. Death happens. It is how we choose to deal with it that makes us victorious or victim. Produce good energy and good things in the time you have allotted here. Leave a smile behind as you go. That is what my father had tried to do all of his life and he has succeeded. This is also what Wilbur has done. They are both survivors of this - life. 

Read more of my writings at www.mariaburgess.com My writings and blogs are all contained here as well as purchase links for my first book, The Essential Window Painting Guide. It is a how to guide and chronicle of how I became a window painter. I write on a variety of topics and there will be more to follow!

Progress - not perfection - stay active

Sometimes the mountain we must climb is inside our hearts and spirit.
Image: M Burgess - Mt. Charleston, NV

It is progress, not perfection that we are trying to achieve.
-AA Big Book

Are we a better person today than we were yesterday,
last year,
or even five years ago? 

If the answer to this question is yes, then we are living true to our potential. 

If a person spends time learning new things they are progressing. Too many times people set aside learning as a disagreeable activity. 

My run into darkness taught me a lesson I will never forget. Sometimes, we make poor choices, and we often have to live a lifetime of consequences for these decisions. The results may not be known to those around you or be evident to new people you meet, but inside each and every one of us there is a history of things we regret, feel guilty about, or are ashamed of. These are not who we are. We are an accumulation of experiences, some positive, some negative. The energy that makes up who we are shines through if we continue on a path that is ever learning. Sometimes these thoughts and memories are like a mountain we must climb inside our hearts and spirit.

Ask yourself:

• What do you really want to know? 
• How much do you want to know about this world? 
• How can these things be accomplished? 

 -- Meditate -- Treat Yourself Well

Do you have a prayer ritual or a meditation routine? Is there a God or higher power at work in your life? If not, consider getting the spiritual base in your life solid. Begin with a peaceful morning and throughout the day, take a timeout -- even if it is only for five minutes with a pleasant thought in your head and a breathing action. The meeting I attended Saturday instructed us to breath in faith and breathe out fear. I like this better than the one one one one -- and and and and -- breathing method that I know. 

meditation and spirituality

Include positive statements in your waking moments and rituals.I have to constantly remind myself not to call me stupid or ignorant. I have begun to say it out loud, "Stop calling me that!" I shout sometimes. The way we treat ourselves is a reflection of how we feel inside at times. This may also be a clue as how we would treat another human being. Once we bridge that relationship to ourselves that enlightens us to take good care of our friend (meaning ourselves) a new world begins to unfold. From this point on we can have good relationships with not only inner self, but those around us. 

To Thine Own Self Be True

How do you do that?

Ask more questions  --  Make a list

• How can I better take care of this person? 
• What does this individual really want to do? 
• What do I excel at? 

Ask these questions occasionally. Guage your future decisions on these answers. Yes, put a wish list and a bucket list together. Do a to do list for today, for this year. Shelter your mind from poisonous thoughts and actions and call to action an effort on your person. Do three things today that can be achieved in a short amount of time. Take on the world a list item at a time. See where you can conquer items in your life that hold you back. Checking those things off of your list is a feeling of satisfaction and it can often be a way to tackle a bigger chore or task or even a college degree. 

This is where I am at now; at 48 years old, I decided I needed a degree. Education and employment rule my life at the moment. That and a pair of wonderful guinea pigs. We will get to those later. I have homework to do. 

Be good to you, ok? Oh, and remember to smile sometime today. 

Find something to make you smile or laugh when you get down. It is a healing thing and an emotional bridge to a better state of mind. The cares of this world get too heavy at times and must be set aside if only for a bit so the spiritual and mental faculties can be given a chance to regroup. Focus on what is really important -- the emotional state of your mind and your health. 

Upheaval and stress led me to do one of two things in the past: fight or flight. Today, I still squirm a bit when life gets difficult, but I have the ability to stand in one place today and not run and hide. Facing difficulties are not always easy, but they are worth it. 

Learn to be Brave! 

Quit It, Stop It, and Knock It Off?

I have to take a break here and tell you about the kids

Quit it, Stop It, and Knock It Off! 

My name is Mean It.

It never fails. The day goes by and I have repeated these phrases at one or all of my children. If one of them is behaving the others are into or up to something. I have to shout, QUIT IT! Stop IT, and KnoCk it OFF!!! at one point or another. Sometimes I ask them which one they are. They like these discussions. It reminds me of the cartoon Family Circus with the little ghost *I Don't Know* that floats around causing trouble.

We have means of addressing our kids that aren't very healthy for their confidence or building their self-esteem. I have heard parents direct hateful messages toward these impressionable minds. Meet these children as adults and they are probably suffering some kind of personality disorder from these marks on their spirit. Therapists make millions trying to reverse the damage.

I recognize where damage has been ingrained in my reactions. I do not blame my parent for the way they raised me but there are residual effects from my early years. I am still striving to do the best I can and when I do I am waiting to be in trouble for it. That my efforts weren't the correct ones or something along that line. I have realized this was from the way communication was addressed in our family home. Everything was a fight or a reason to share angry words. The tension of walking around with the potential of causing problems was thick.

Sunflowers ~ Image: MorgueFile

Quit it, stop it, and knock it off were also my siblings when I was younger.

Along with myself, there were 5 other kids in our home and it was a big weight on our parents. They had to both work to support the family. 6 kids are a big lot to feed. They are even tougher to discipline. My brothers came along one by one 9 to 10 months apart when I was about 8. They ran the house like little wild monkeys! My sister was only a year and a half younger than I so we used to be best friends for about 2 hours then be bickering brats the next. I am sure this added to the aggravations my parents felt.

I will out of respect for Mom and Dad not include some of the darker moments in our home life. There were no moments of inappropriate contact but there were physical confrontations at times.

We were a crowded home. Sharing rooms created arguments. Little children are curious and tend to wander where they are not supposed to be and cause issues. My brothers were definitely into everything!

A regular fight would brake out when one of the boys would find my sunflower seed shell bag and either dump it out or try to eat the shells. Mom would be furious! The irony of this is she has a backyard full of sunflower plants now that grew out of nowhere!

Some of the times we had were great. One of our favorite things to do was go outside and dig in the yard. Mom is still finding things and toys we buried out there. She uncovered a Barbie not too long ago.

I look back on those days and wonder what would have happened if I had stayed in the home instead of running into the dark...

Karaoke And Laundry Mats...

Karaoke is a great time out and I love to sing! 

Karaoke Night - Image: M Burgess

I am sitting in a lounge and the karaoke host and tech have arrived. They are setting up their musical equipment. 

The atmosphere is a friendly hometown bar and it is cool in here. I am so grateful for A/C these days! The summer heat outside is blazing and we had to do our laundry this afternoon. This secluded bar is right next to the wash and dry shop near our neighborhood. This makes doing this chore a lot easier!

My 28 year old daughter is with me. She's my runnin' buddy. The drink in front of me is a *Pink OJ*. It is a mixture of fruit juices and lemon-lime soda. I have been sober and clean for 7 and half years almost 8 years come October. I intend to keep it that way. Alcohol makes me crazier than I already am so I will just stick to fruit sugars and chocolate if I need a little bit of a feel good substance. Karaoke is one of the few reasons I will step into a bar.

Singing is a great way to keep me in my musical interest and helps me break away from routines. I have sung all my life. Choir in high school and in church has trained me to at least carry a tune. I play guitar but my instrument is sitting lately, collecting dust in the corner. It's a poor lonely thing these days.

I will open as I always do with the song *You're In My Heart* by that wonderful playboy crooner, Rod Stewart. This song has been my choice for warming up for many, many years now. I am not sure if I will stay much longer than a couple of songs. Crowds in bars get drunker and louder as the evening gets on and the alcohol level gets deeper. I am sitting off in the corner with my tiny lap top and editing some material.

I am seriously needin' a get away but the funds aren't there. Work has been tough with the job change in April and the fact that it's summer. Money is not readily earned at this time of year. Chauffeur work in Vegas is sketchy out of the convention season so we do our best to get by. The new procedures are making me just nutty some days and the heat doesn't help either. The days are over the 100 degree mark now. It's July and the sun just blazes off the black paint on our cars and you can see the heat vapors on the pavement in shimmering waves.

The past few weeks I have a new obsession. Writing has grabbed a hold of me and I don't think it is going to end any time soon. Developing a website and crafting readable, meaningful articles on the topic of preparedness is most of the focus in my publishing. This makes socializing difficult. Aside from the net and an occasional phone call I am a bit of a loner. Without my daughter in my home I probably wouldn't talk very often.

That is the purpose of this post. I needed someone to talk to and..oh, hey before I do that, I have to go sing. Looks like I am in the Que to sing next.


Be right back!

Blossom and Bear Fruit!

Eggplant Blossom ~ Image: M Burgess

We take the events in our lives and use them as the mulch in our spiritual gardens or we sit in the cesspool of drama and never grow.

Negative impacts can be the justification to acting out in self-destructive ways or they can be the spring board to evolving into the person we want to be. 


Who are we really?

Are we the life stains that we carry with us or are we the accumulation of the experiences we have lived through, the things we have learned, and the blessings we have received for having endured? 

Time honored writers and masters of human psyche tell us we need to look past what happened to us and set our feet down on the path we earned, we deserve. Some of us are so put down within our character that the idea that we can achieve and have good things is out of reach. We are worthy of a good life. No matter what our feeling to the contrary are. That life may not include riches or material success but it can be an internal harmony. Day to day won't be always peaches and cream but we have a choice to make each day, each hour the best it can be and just enjoy being. 

Life is a wonderful adventure. When we look past what's behind us and let go of the weights that hold us back we can live free inside. We have a chance to make our own future.

Personally, I forget this. There are times when I am a complainer, a grouch, and a negative source of energy. For these things I need to give myself the wake up call. I have a great life now. I have the blessings of a great family, wonderful friends, a good job, my health is stable, and I am in a good home. These are the blessings in my life today. They weren't always mine to enjoy. Working for them hasn't been easy. There have been struggles of physical levels, financial, and spiritual. At times I have been angry with my God for leaving me in the darkened trenches fully drained and spiritual energy spent. All that remained was a spark of hope that things would get better. And they have. In such ways I never imagined. Today I am able to enjoy serenity in many ways.

I am an independent woman. I have survived emotional and physical abuse. I have faced rape and the humiliation of trial. I have been homeless and understand how frightening that can be. I have dealt with panic attacks and the stress that accompanies them. As of this day I have been free of substance abuse for over 7 and a half years. Today, this moment, I am a different person than the mess that walked into the rooms of recovery on October 17, 2004 and started a new life full of new ideals. A life worth having and a life worth sharing. I can relate to those that are facing loved ones that are hopelessly cast into the murky existence of alcohol and drug abuse and how heart breaking it is to not be able to do anything to help. They must do it alone or they must die. That is the hardest part about this process. I got it. The chance to change my station in life and reach for what ever it is I wanted to work for. Everyone has the power to do this if they would only take that chance.

I write this not only so I can sort out what I did to get where I am today but I want to let anyone who finds this know that there are ways to change your life to be better and healthier than it is today. The work is rough. It's a spiritual ditch you must dig. You will sweat, bleed ( maybe not physically but you will spiritually and mentally!), goals and choices you MUST make. The pay off is amazing! The results you are worth achieving!

I am looking back at a relationship that was with me from the day I walked into recovery. I thought I would never get out of it We broke up and we would get back together. For YEARS!!! this was the way my life was. This person drained me of self worth, attacked my personal choices, thought they had a right to dictate my home and my values through their opinions. (They did not live with me or support me in anyway). 

When I didn't choose to be the person they wanted me to be they would find something else to tell me what was wrong with me. This relationship thankfully ended last year and I have no need to re-enter that partnership. To do so would be the same effect of asking a dentist to reinsert and reverse a root canal on an abscessed tooth. Why would I do that? I have worked very hard to get out of that and let it die. I am healed. 

My goal when I finally was able to let go of this situation was to get more skinny, put more money in my bank account, and to get more blonde. 

Mission accomplished. 

Life has a funny way of working things out. Today I can get a phone call from that person and not cave into temptations to relive the pain that saturates it. I no longer want to exist for another person's internal need to have someone to dissect. I do NOT want to live in that past.

Like the eggplant flower leaning on the tomato cage in the picture, we need to find a support of some kind whether it's a 12 step program or a few good friends, a program designed for help in a specific area in our life, no matter, something to help until we are strong enough to stand on our own. Intake some good sunshine, (positive energy), good elements, and a good foundation. Rooted well and tended to wisely our spirit and our self worth can grow and blossom and eventually bear the fruit of a decent life. 

Surviving

Turning from victim to survivor whether we are the ones victimizing ourselves through our choices or we are subject to life's unwelcome harshness isn't an easy process but it can be done. Being a survivor is a personal victory that no one else can do for you.

I know too many people who let the perpetual martyr rule their energies and attitudes. Taking the path out and becoming the person you want to be takes a lot of work. It takes a sense of focus on what you really want out of life and a lot of digging to get your mind wrapped around what it is going to take to put you there.

Set a goal. Make a list. I have my list and systematically over the past couple of years I have crossed  a lot things off of it. It's a bucket list of sorts, but it is, also, a to do list. I have been able to get some organizing done so I can get to other projects.

We spend so much time projecting what will be and what happened to us that we fail to see what's really in front of us at the moment. Taking that old persona and walking away from it will need the courage of creating new habits.

I have walked away from bad relationships, endured some abusive situations, and survived some harsh events in my life. Of those times, I have heard similar tales from others and they still cling to it like an insecurity blanket. They give themselves an excuse to live a crappy life.

We have a choice. Be happy with what we have or suffer. I personally choose to be happy. This option doesn't happen on it's own, however, it takes work. I wake each day and my attitude is terrible some days. Those days are the ones that hide the deepest blessings.They are the ones that make me feel the most alive At some point during my day I will remember.  They uncover memories of where I was at one time and how grateful and blessed I am to be where I am today.

Drop the history and walk away from things that are harmful to your spirit and your mind. You deserve a great life and you can build one for yourself. If you only try!

Growing Up

My life at a glance 02/19/2012

Swing shift in Las Vegas makes it difficult to tackle what most people deem a normal life. I have to shop for groceries after midnight sometimes and the things I must tend to on the 9 to 5 hours are jammed into the 2-3 days off I am allotted every week. I live an interesting schedule. Try to add a relationship to that and it gets challenging. I have a special someone in my life at this time I only see once a week as he is on a similar schedule only he works more hours than I do. 

Growing Up:

My purpose for this blog is to streamline the emotions I feel about my current situation and to examine my life goals and perhaps set some new goals for balancing out the worn and frustrated energies that cause disharmony. I live a great life. I have wonderful people in my social circle and I want to be a comfortable benefit to them instead of an emotional burden. Bringing peace to my inner self and sharing kindness to those I am involved with are my objective.

First of all, I have positive influences to gleen advice from. I am interested in a healthy living environment from the way I treat my mind and body to the way I live at home and associate myself with like minded souls. I have at my disposal many sources of how to live a happy, joyous, and free life. I have, also, the strength I have developed over the challenging years of my life and courage to face down many of the hardships I lived through in these times. I have survived many heavy emotional obstacles and risen through them with grace. I know that through a positive outlook things that seem unbearable, unjust, or wrong are hiding a wonderful blessing. I must simply trust that I can get through it. 

Prayer and meditation are important tools in living free of the emotional weights that hold us down from enjoying our lives fully. I have practiced these techniques and have enjoyed vast benefits from doing so. I want to implement this back into my daily activity. Spiritually minded I can heal the hurts I have endured and set aside the negative emotions that hold me back from enjoying a life that I truly have earned through the hard work I have set forth. I have a strong belief in a loving and merciful God. This faith has helped me where no other source dared go.

I watched "The Secret" the other night. This along with some of the other positive spiritual books, movies, programs are what I am using to guide myself. The purpose of all of this is to reflect what I have learned and let it rule my life. Life led on emotional turmoil is not a life but a series of storms fit to destroy good things.

These are some of my mantras recently:

I will be happy. I will love. I will learn. I will enjoy. I will earn. I have a good life. I have a good love. I have a good family. I have a wonderful life. 

So, I shall take a new journey. Where this ends up I do not know, but it seems like it's off to a good start. 

In the following blogs I will examine some of the things that have weighted me down over the years. Some of these have been addictions. Addictions to emotions, substances, things, people, and excuses are just as destructive as any drug or alcohol problem. Freeing my mind and spirit of compulsive behavior is my assignment. Successfully shedding them is the goal.