Karaoke And Laundry Mats...

Karaoke is a great time out and I love to sing! 

Karaoke Night - Image: M Burgess

I am sitting in a lounge and the karaoke host and tech have arrived. They are setting up their musical equipment. 

The atmosphere is a friendly hometown bar and it is cool in here. I am so grateful for A/C these days! The summer heat outside is blazing and we had to do our laundry this afternoon. This secluded bar is right next to the wash and dry shop near our neighborhood. This makes doing this chore a lot easier!

My 28 year old daughter is with me. She's my runnin' buddy. The drink in front of me is a *Pink OJ*. It is a mixture of fruit juices and lemon-lime soda. I have been sober and clean for 7 and half years almost 8 years come October. I intend to keep it that way. Alcohol makes me crazier than I already am so I will just stick to fruit sugars and chocolate if I need a little bit of a feel good substance. Karaoke is one of the few reasons I will step into a bar.

Singing is a great way to keep me in my musical interest and helps me break away from routines. I have sung all my life. Choir in high school and in church has trained me to at least carry a tune. I play guitar but my instrument is sitting lately, collecting dust in the corner. It's a poor lonely thing these days.

I will open as I always do with the song *You're In My Heart* by that wonderful playboy crooner, Rod Stewart. This song has been my choice for warming up for many, many years now. I am not sure if I will stay much longer than a couple of songs. Crowds in bars get drunker and louder as the evening gets on and the alcohol level gets deeper. I am sitting off in the corner with my tiny lap top and editing some material.

I am seriously needin' a get away but the funds aren't there. Work has been tough with the job change in April and the fact that it's summer. Money is not readily earned at this time of year. Chauffeur work in Vegas is sketchy out of the convention season so we do our best to get by. The new procedures are making me just nutty some days and the heat doesn't help either. The days are over the 100 degree mark now. It's July and the sun just blazes off the black paint on our cars and you can see the heat vapors on the pavement in shimmering waves.

The past few weeks I have a new obsession. Writing has grabbed a hold of me and I don't think it is going to end any time soon. Developing a website and crafting readable, meaningful articles on the topic of preparedness is most of the focus in my publishing. This makes socializing difficult. Aside from the net and an occasional phone call I am a bit of a loner. Without my daughter in my home I probably wouldn't talk very often.

That is the purpose of this post. I needed someone to talk to and..oh, hey before I do that, I have to go sing. Looks like I am in the Que to sing next.


Be right back!

Blossom and Bear Fruit!

Eggplant Blossom ~ Image: M Burgess

We take the events in our lives and use them as the mulch in our spiritual gardens or we sit in the cesspool of drama and never grow.

Negative impacts can be the justification to acting out in self-destructive ways or they can be the spring board to evolving into the person we want to be. 


Who are we really?

Are we the life stains that we carry with us or are we the accumulation of the experiences we have lived through, the things we have learned, and the blessings we have received for having endured? 

Time honored writers and masters of human psyche tell us we need to look past what happened to us and set our feet down on the path we earned, we deserve. Some of us are so put down within our character that the idea that we can achieve and have good things is out of reach. We are worthy of a good life. No matter what our feeling to the contrary are. That life may not include riches or material success but it can be an internal harmony. Day to day won't be always peaches and cream but we have a choice to make each day, each hour the best it can be and just enjoy being. 

Life is a wonderful adventure. When we look past what's behind us and let go of the weights that hold us back we can live free inside. We have a chance to make our own future.

Personally, I forget this. There are times when I am a complainer, a grouch, and a negative source of energy. For these things I need to give myself the wake up call. I have a great life now. I have the blessings of a great family, wonderful friends, a good job, my health is stable, and I am in a good home. These are the blessings in my life today. They weren't always mine to enjoy. Working for them hasn't been easy. There have been struggles of physical levels, financial, and spiritual. At times I have been angry with my God for leaving me in the darkened trenches fully drained and spiritual energy spent. All that remained was a spark of hope that things would get better. And they have. In such ways I never imagined. Today I am able to enjoy serenity in many ways.

I am an independent woman. I have survived emotional and physical abuse. I have faced rape and the humiliation of trial. I have been homeless and understand how frightening that can be. I have dealt with panic attacks and the stress that accompanies them. As of this day I have been free of substance abuse for over 7 and a half years. Today, this moment, I am a different person than the mess that walked into the rooms of recovery on October 17, 2004 and started a new life full of new ideals. A life worth having and a life worth sharing. I can relate to those that are facing loved ones that are hopelessly cast into the murky existence of alcohol and drug abuse and how heart breaking it is to not be able to do anything to help. They must do it alone or they must die. That is the hardest part about this process. I got it. The chance to change my station in life and reach for what ever it is I wanted to work for. Everyone has the power to do this if they would only take that chance.

I write this not only so I can sort out what I did to get where I am today but I want to let anyone who finds this know that there are ways to change your life to be better and healthier than it is today. The work is rough. It's a spiritual ditch you must dig. You will sweat, bleed ( maybe not physically but you will spiritually and mentally!), goals and choices you MUST make. The pay off is amazing! The results you are worth achieving!

I am looking back at a relationship that was with me from the day I walked into recovery. I thought I would never get out of it We broke up and we would get back together. For YEARS!!! this was the way my life was. This person drained me of self worth, attacked my personal choices, thought they had a right to dictate my home and my values through their opinions. (They did not live with me or support me in anyway). 

When I didn't choose to be the person they wanted me to be they would find something else to tell me what was wrong with me. This relationship thankfully ended last year and I have no need to re-enter that partnership. To do so would be the same effect of asking a dentist to reinsert and reverse a root canal on an abscessed tooth. Why would I do that? I have worked very hard to get out of that and let it die. I am healed. 

My goal when I finally was able to let go of this situation was to get more skinny, put more money in my bank account, and to get more blonde. 

Mission accomplished. 

Life has a funny way of working things out. Today I can get a phone call from that person and not cave into temptations to relive the pain that saturates it. I no longer want to exist for another person's internal need to have someone to dissect. I do NOT want to live in that past.

Like the eggplant flower leaning on the tomato cage in the picture, we need to find a support of some kind whether it's a 12 step program or a few good friends, a program designed for help in a specific area in our life, no matter, something to help until we are strong enough to stand on our own. Intake some good sunshine, (positive energy), good elements, and a good foundation. Rooted well and tended to wisely our spirit and our self worth can grow and blossom and eventually bear the fruit of a decent life. 

Surviving

Turning from victim to survivor whether we are the ones victimizing ourselves through our choices or we are subject to life's unwelcome harshness isn't an easy process but it can be done. Being a survivor is a personal victory that no one else can do for you.

I know too many people who let the perpetual martyr rule their energies and attitudes. Taking the path out and becoming the person you want to be takes a lot of work. It takes a sense of focus on what you really want out of life and a lot of digging to get your mind wrapped around what it is going to take to put you there.

Set a goal. Make a list. I have my list and systematically over the past couple of years I have crossed  a lot things off of it. It's a bucket list of sorts, but it is, also, a to do list. I have been able to get some organizing done so I can get to other projects.

We spend so much time projecting what will be and what happened to us that we fail to see what's really in front of us at the moment. Taking that old persona and walking away from it will need the courage of creating new habits.

I have walked away from bad relationships, endured some abusive situations, and survived some harsh events in my life. Of those times, I have heard similar tales from others and they still cling to it like an insecurity blanket. They give themselves an excuse to live a crappy life.

We have a choice. Be happy with what we have or suffer. I personally choose to be happy. This option doesn't happen on it's own, however, it takes work. I wake each day and my attitude is terrible some days. Those days are the ones that hide the deepest blessings.They are the ones that make me feel the most alive At some point during my day I will remember.  They uncover memories of where I was at one time and how grateful and blessed I am to be where I am today.

Drop the history and walk away from things that are harmful to your spirit and your mind. You deserve a great life and you can build one for yourself. If you only try!